The Space Between Asking and Receiving
I’d been anticipating the Christmas holiday season since summer ended.
By November 1st, my whole apartment was festive. My decorated Christmas tree, the garland draped around the fireplace, and the mistletoe dangling from the entryway were the first things you’d see as you walked in. Intentionally starting early made more space to soak up all the Christmas feels.
It’s. Time.
Before November, I wasn’t sure my debut nonfiction book, Creating Your Chapter Harmony, would be ready to publish by the end of 2025. I was just excited to be excited again. Excited to feel inspired again. Excited to enjoy writing again. I’d been in a cycle of on-again, off-again with my fiction novel. Some days there was a spark, some days there weren’t. I was comfortable in my routine of letting my energy lead, and most days, my energy led me to find pleasure another way.
Creating Your Chapter Harmony became a new spark, a new joy. I was able to reconnect with my younger self on this project because she truly had done all the heavy lifting for me.
Dear younger self, one day in your early twenties, you’ll have this burning desire to write down everything. It is very important that you follow that desire.
She’d been narrating the last nine years for me. All I needed to do was connect the dots. So, I did. And it was deliciously pleasing to do so. Day by day, the spark snowballed bigger and bigger. Brighter and brighter. My flow state reminded me of my power. My creativity. My purpose. The days that led us down a different pleasure path were, in reality, just moments of data collection. It clicked. Everything made sense. As much as I wanted to take these detours personally, there was always a reason.
Two months ago, the plan was not to publish this year. Until it was. Until I tried and realized, maybe this could work.
Surely I couldn’t publish until Mercury retrograde was over. Agreed, let’s wait.
December 11th, I thought.
Even then, that date felt like so. much. time.
This would be fine.
In the middle of a yap session with my girls, one of my friends said, “Everyone is getting a copy in their Christmas stockings this year!” Wow. Is my book the perfect Christmas gift? I’d never thought of it that way. And well, yes! Now, I’m set. I’m sold. This must happen.
Delay.
Delay.
Delay.
I looked up, and it was December 12th. Where the hell did the first two weeks of December go? I’d been anticipating this time of year rolling back around since summer ended.
I, Ms. Can’t-Wait-Til-Christmas, realized I spent the first 12 days of one of my favorite months refreshing my email, waiting, spiraling, on autopilot.
Not a Christmas song played. Not a Christmas movie watched.
I’ll admit. I’m disappointed in my own timeline not falling into place as I’d hoped and planned. I’m disappointed that, once again, my dream of becoming a published author feels delayed, and some days it feels as if my dream was actually denied.
“I can’t afford another deviation from my goal. But what if that was the whole point? What if that, too, is part of the journey?” My words. Written years ago. The irony of my own words grounding me to relax as I await the green light feels like a God wink. I’d been sitting at this red traffic light for what feels like forever. The irony reminds me the timing of the publishing process isn’t just a delay for the sake of a delay. Every single part of my journey to being a published indie author made me realize I could do whatever the heck I want! There is nothing that I can’t set my mind to, try, put one foot in front of the other, and figure out the how-to along the way. There is nothing I am unwilling to learn. So, what is this teaching me? What do I need to see before publishing? What am I missing?
Spiralingggggg.
The days continue to pass by. Christmas Day is a week away. I’m panicking a bit because once we reach December 25th, well, you might as well pull out the Christmas decoration storage containers and prepare for the 2026 take-off.
The slowdown. The romance of gratitude. The holiday cheer. That is the joy, or at least for me. My favorite part about the holiday season has always been the lead-up, the journey, the excitement that prepares us for Christmas Day.
I’d been in a loop: Work. Creative Work. Work. Creative Work. Wait. How could I forget to schedule my therapy appointment?
“Today’s session at 11 a.m. will be via phone vs. video.” It was 10:45 a.m. when I received that text message from my therapist. Before I could text back to let her know she got me mixed up with another client, it was already 11 a.m., and she was already calling.
Funny thing about timing. It’s always right, always what you need, and always when you need it.
“I wish I had the luxury of sitting in the lead-up, counting down to my launch day… I wish I had the luxury of being excited right now,” I said. “It feels like I am stuck between the asking and the receiving, again. It feels like I am so close, yet still not close enough.”
“It’s still happening, Ry. This is the lead-up to your launch day. You’re in it now,” she responded.
Is the book ready? Yes.
Will the book be published? Yes.
Well, then, you are sitting in the lead-up to your launch day.
ME: But I wanted it to feel like Christmas!
HER: So, make it feel like Christmas.
I had to shift. I had to root myself in what was true. I had to root myself in everything I know. The more I let my own disappointment steal my joy, the more I diminish my efforts and my creativity; the more I shrink myself.
Not looking how I wanted it to look is frustrating; that is true.
Not feeling how I wanted it to feel is disappointing; that is true.
Does that mean the book is not enough, or not ready? Not at all.
Does that mean I am unworthy of fulfilling my dreams as a published author? Girl, please.
It will happen. The time is TBD, but baby girl, for heaven’s sake, remember the facts.
Have I added some really important things to the book during this time? Yes. Have I allowed my editor to give it another pass, just in case? Yes, and turns out, there was one small grammar edit that needed updating. I even decided to hire another beta reader and received really great feedback.
Wow, these new updates make the book even better.
It’s not turning out how I wanted, and that’s valid disappointment. Valid fear. But how can I honor my emotions, while also still honoring my progress and the timing of it all? How can I find the lesson in detaching from what I wanted, even if it feels like I’m detaching from what I wanted again and again?
God, detach me from everything I want, and align me with everything I deserve.
I’m reminding myself that delays were always protection. Delays have always turned out in my favor. A delay was always the better plan.
After Thursday, December 11th, passed, and I realized that was not my launch day, I had hopes that perhaps Thursday, December 18th, would be.
I remember telling myself I wouldn’t share anything else until I was able to add this caption: “My book is here, and this is how you can get your copy:”
Well…
I usually like to seal my love notes with a pretty bow. But this is simply the part where I gently remind myself, again: this delay is not some cruel punishment. It’s not meant to measure how much disappointment I can endure or how long I can sit in sadness, agonizing over something not going how I planned, something far out of my control.
Even when I can’t see why, this delay is working in my favor. Why wouldn’t it?
I am certain that at the most divine time, I will be able to share Creating Your Chapter Harmony with you. Until then, we’re celebrating every day leading up to that moment. I’m preparing for launch day, baby, and it’s time I enjoy my favorite season.
