I felt things I imagined.

Why I started manifesting feelings, not things.

For three years, I manifested one thing: getting to SiriusXM.

I said it aloud, on IG Live, wrote it in my journal, scribbled it on a Post-it note, added it to my vision board. “Soon I’ll be at SiriusXM, y’all!”

Then, I got my dream job.

And let me tell you, I was severely underwhelmed.

Underpaid. Overworked. Anxiety through the roof.

​Chile. No. Immediately no.​

I couldn’t believe I spent three years chasing something I thought I wanted.​

Let me rewind.​

I can’t tell you exactly when I began referring to being a radio personality as my dream job, but babyyy, ever since I can remember, okay? I just didn’t see myself at a local radio station. I knew I wanted something a little more “me”, but I was trying to figure out what that looked like as a career. From 2014 to 2016, I went from hosting Good Vibes Radio at WSJU to hosting The Vibe with Ryen Watkins via BBOX Radio in Dumbo. That’s when I fell in love with storytelling. Producing the show. Interviewing local artists. Learning their stories and becoming a platform for their music.

Before every interview, I’d play a throwback, soft R&B, neo-soul, an oldie but goodie. I used to call it “an emotional healing happy hour.” And it was. You could feel it.

Around that time, I was introduced to a full-year trial of satellite radio. That’s when I found SiriusXM Fly. Boy oh boy, did I fall in love. A station dedicated to playing 90s hip-hop and R&B? Immediately yes. I loved the idea of a curated channel. I knew I had to get to SiriusXM.​

So, I started manifesting it.​

On the mic, on my IG live, on my vision board. No job interview in sight, just delusion and faith. The good kind, though, the needed kind.

Until I got there.

Ha!

2018. I got my dream job…

…and it was nothing that I thought it would be. I was frustrated, truly. I spent years laser-focusing on this one thing, but I was met with fighting for my spot every single day, proving I deserved to be there. One colleague refused to acknowledge my transition from intern to Associate Producer. I left meetings with my supervisor feeling belittled. One day, I was summoned into her office. The usual, “you’re doing a good job, here’s more responsibilities” spiel. But this particular day, the way she leaned back in her office chair, one hand cupping her chin, studying me, my body tightened. I knew I did not want to be recognized like this. So many more things led to my breaking point: exhaustion, anxiety, microaggressions, shall I continue?​

Even though every cell in my brain wanted that role, every fiber in my body was rejecting the way it felt.

What the heck do I do now?

Quitting my dream job was the hardest, best thing I could’ve ever done. The day I quit, my manager responded to my resignation email, “I was just about to give you a raise.” 😒 lol, I bet you were!

That experience changed my entire perspective. It made me realize it was actually possible to manifest the things I wanted. So now what do I want next? Then, I stopped. Wait, what if I actually deserved more than what I wanted…

I’d been praying with limited imagination. Like that image of a little girl holding a teddy bear, telling God, “But I want it.” Not knowing God was holding a bigger bear.

Sometimes, today’s version of you doesn’t have the capacity to envision what God has in store for tomorrow’s version of you.

So, what do I do now?

Instead of figuring out what I want or what it is I deserve, because I truly had no idea, I started thinking about how I wanted to feel.

I stopped asking “What’s my next dream job?” and started asking “How do I want to feel when I wake up on Monday morning?”

I wanted a work environment that made me feel abundant. I wanted to be paid on time, generously, and easily. I wanted to work alongside people who saw me, who recognized me, without me having to continuously prove myself.​

I wanted my work to feel impactful. I wanted to feel at ease. I wanted to jump out of bed at the thought of another day of work. I truly didn’t want it to feel like work at all.

I wanted to feel like every day I was learning something, curiosity, intrigue! I wanted to feel part of something with integrity, with values that aligned with mine.

Because truly, if I had all of that, why would the company or title matter?

Once I got clear on the feelings, baby!? Whew. My God, today! My work experience transformed in ways I didn’t even know were possible for me. I’m doing work that energizes and excites me. I’m feeling recognized and seen in every way, all while being paid in high favor.

You don’t want to just move out. You want to feel at peace, comfortable, and relaxed in your home.

You don’t just want friends. You want to feel held, in community, and reciprocated.

You don’t just want a partner. You want to feel cherished, secure, and safe.​

You don’t just want that thing. You want the feeling!

Focusing on the “thing” leaves so much room to still feel empty, to still crave what’s next. I learned that if you get clear on the feeling, it will manifest in a way that quite literally blows your mind. A way that gently reminds you, well, yes, I deserve this.

So, what feeling are you inviting in for tomorrow’s version of yourself? Remember, not the thing, the feeling. Get clear on that and watch what shows up.

My debut book, Creating Your Chapter Harmony, follows this exact framework. Manifest how you want to feel, to manifest the life you deserve.

All my love,

Ryen